hannah (kingheechul) wrote,

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that should be me

title: that should be me
pairing: junsu/yoochun
genre: angst, romance
warning: incest
rating: r
length: one shot
summary: Obsession is a darker version of love.

a/n: a remake of my ontae fic of the same title. i just thought this needed a revision and i had to change it to yoosu just because :P

Junsu never liked summer. Summer means vacation. And vacation means he’ll get to see more displays of nonsense fluff. Not that he loathed the act. Well, alright he does. Other than the fact that he's bitter for the reason that he has no one to be mushy with, he just doesn't see what's so nice about it. Sitting on the couch with his book at hand, he adjusts his thick-rimmed glasses. It is Monday morning and he has nothing better to than read his self-proclaimed pseudo-best friend, his book. He could always hangout with his twin brother and his boyfriend though, but no, it would not be a good idea. Those two couldn't keep their hands to themselves. Typical teenagers with raging hormones. So he just settles down the comfortable couch by himself. Alone…like always.

The banging of the door and heavy footsteps disturb his alone time and he looks up to be greeted by his youngest brother, Yoochun, and his boyfriend, Yunho. “Where’s Junho hyung?” the younger of the two asks.

He puts away his book (not before slipping in a bookmark) and points to a door across the hall. “His room…with Jaejoong.” Yoochun nods knowingly, dragging Yunho to sit on the couch and claims a spot beside his brother. “Why are you guys here? Please, I’ve had enough of your PDA, you don’t have to shower me with it again.”

Yunho chuckles, snaking an arm around Yoochun’s waist. “No worries hyung.”

Junsu hums in response, trying to ignore the couple beside him. He doesn’t get why of all people, everyone likes to bother him any time, any day. Out of habit, he adjusts his glasses again and picks up his book to busy himself. From the corner of his left eye, he sees the couple enjoying themselves. His chest tightens.


“Why are you so stubborn?”

“Junho, I’m not being stubborn. Is there something wrong with me refusing to go on that stupid blind date you set up?”

“Yes! Yes, everything about it is wrong. I am doing you a favor and saving you the hassle of getting a decent boyfriend.” Junho shakes Junsu's shoulders violently. “Junsu! Please? Do it for me?”

“No! Junho, no. I don’t need blind dates. I’m perfectly fine on my own.” Junsu states firmly despite Junho’s protests.

If Junsu has a weakness, then it probably is Yoochun. He has, for the longest time, been hopelessly in love with the guy. Disgusting to some, but Junsu thinks otherwise. There is no actual reason as to why he developed feelings for his youngest brother. It happened, just like that. And no, he doesn’t regret it nor does he feel guilty for feeling that way.

Later that night, Yoochun knocks on his bedroom door hugging his pillow. “Yes?” being too comfortable around Yoochun has helped him not to be nervous and stutter dumbly, although his heart is pounding like crazy. He drags the younger one inside his room, locking the door in the process.

“Junho hyung is on the phone and he’s so loud, I can’t sleep.”

Junsu rubs his temples and the bridge of his nose. “I swear we have to sound proof his room. Do you need to sleep here?” he asks the obvious just for the heck of it. When Yoochun nods, he scoots over the other side to give space for his baby brother.

That night, Junsu wasn’t able to sleep well.


“What do you think of this one?”

Yoochun's birthday is just around the corner but Junsu is never good at gifts. He could always give the younger one a book but Yoochun rarely reads and it’s too nerdy for his liking so he sought help from his best friend. “I don’t know,” he answers. “I’m not sure if Yoochun would want a teddy bear at his age.”

“Why not? He’s still a kid,” putting the neglected teddy bear down, Junsu’s tall friend scans the store for something interesting. “And everyone loves teddy bears.”

“But Yoochun’s not a part of everyone, Changmin. And besides, he gets lots of stuffed toys from Yunho.”

Changmin snickers, putting an arm around the confused man. “Why do I sense jealousy?” and he also senses annoyance from the bespectacled boy so he slowly retracts his arms from the other’s shoulders and lets it fall limply to his sides. “Moving on, what does he like? You do know that it’s hard to get someone something without having a clue what that someone wants.”

“Just so you know, Yunho spoils him rotten so he basically has everything already. And no, I’m not jealous!”

And Changmin knows Junsu’s lying.


“Here,” shyly, he hands the nicely decorated box, once again adjusting his glasses which kept on falling from his nose. He seriously needs to get a new one. Changmin didn’t help him at all. Well, he tried but...the important thing i he tried. He kept on picking out stuff which Yoochun has and doesn’t need. In the end, Junsu just settled with a necklace with Yoochun’s initials. It was nice, but Junsu has no idea if it would be appreciated.

With a big smile, Yoochun opens the present from his brother and fingers it gently. “Hyung, I love it. Thank you.”

“Let me put in on for you.” Junsu wants to say but Yunho beats him to it. It is his present and he’s supposed to do the job, not Yunho. He may be the boyfriend but he’s the brother. Families are more important than anyone and anything else.

“No,” he says with much authority. “I’ll do it.” he snatches the jewelry from the boyfriend, not too hard to break it, and silently puts it on Yoochun who looks a little startled. “There you go.”

“Ah, yeah...this...it looks good on me, hyung. Thank you.” Yoochun says with a smile. He glances worriedly at Yunho who smiles back at him.

Sensing the awkward atmosphere, Junho clears his throat and claps. “Okay! Jaejoong baked some cakes, I’m sure you’ll all like it.” he drags Yoochun and the others in the kitchen, leaving Junsu alone in the living room.

“Fuck!” he curses. How could he let his emotions get the best of him? He was supposed to be the nice one, the quiet one, the one who does everything he’s asked to do. He hears the others having fun in the kitchen and figures that it doesn’t matter if he’s there or not. No one seems to care about him anyway. He needs to go out, to get away from the disgusting displays of affection in the house.

Despite his nice guy image, Junsu is just another teenager who finds temporary comfort in smoking. It’s a vice that no one other than himself knows of. He fishes out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and gets a stick which he lights with his trusty lighter. Wanting to try to cool himself down, he takes a walk on the park. "Junsu!” he hears Changmin’s voice and hastily throws the cigarette on the ground, popping a menthol flavored candy which he always keeps in his pocket in case of situations like this one. He stops walking and waits for the other to catch up. “Hey,” the taller one pants. “Why...why did you leave? And dude, do you smoke? ‘Cause you smell like cigarettes.”

“No!” he answers too quickly and laughs it off. “Do I look like I do? I just happened to pass by some guy who does. Why are you here? I thought you said you won’t leave until you finish all the food?”

“I did finish the food then I found out you weren’t in the house so I went looking for you.”

“And the others?”

“Well, they are having a pretty good time.”

Junsu shrugs. “I figured.”



Junsu sometimes thinks he’s crazy. Who on earth would have the hots for their own sibling? There are some cases like his, but still he doesn’t get why of all people, he has to be one of them. When he first found out about his crush on Yoochun, he didn’t really think much about it. It’s quite normal. There comes a phase in someone’s life where they develop an admiration for a family member which dies down in time. But for some reason, Junsu knows it’s not just an admiration, it’s something else. Something more.

He tried to get rid of those feelings. But the more he does, the more his feelings become stronger.

He had no one to turn to, to confide about this. No one was there to guide him, to give him advices, to tell him what to do and what not to do. His parents are out of the question. They were just never there for them. Junsu had to deal with everything on his own. Not that  Junho and Yoochun aren’t there for him, they are. They always are. He’s the oldest (he’s older than Junho by four minutes but despite that fact, Junho refuses to address him as hyung) and he doesn’t want to trouble the other two with his problems ‘cause he’s the ‘hyung’, he’s supposed to take care of them and help them, not the other way around.


Yoochun knocks on the half-open door and he looks up at him, coughing vigorously making his glasses fall in the process. The skinny teenager dashes to his side, rubbing comforting circles on his back. “Hyung, you okay?”

Once his cough dies down, he nods. “Yeah, just a headache. Nothing big. What is it that you want?”

“I was going to tell you I’ll be going out with Yunho hyung. But now that you’re sick, I can’t leave you all alone, can I?” answers Yoochun, still rubbing his back.

He waves the younger one off, “No, I’ll be fine. Do…” and he coughs. “...do your thing.”

“Please don’t be stubborn. I can go on a date with Yunho hyung some other time. I’ll go buy medicine. Be right back.”

Junsu feels guilt creeping over him. He didn’t mean to lie. He just wants some quality time with Yoochun which only happens once in a blue moon. He isn’t completely lying though. The coughs were real. He accidentally swallowed the candy he was eating a while back. Everything is all thanks to perfect timing.

He has himself covered with his comforter when Yoochun came back. It’s not a part of his act, really. It just so happens that it’s freezing that day. “Hyung, here are you meds. Drink it, okay? I’ll just give Yunho hyung a call for a while.” When the door closes, Junsu throws the medicine in his trash bin and gulps down the glass of water.

He ruffles his hair and slaps his face several times for an added effect. “Now that should do it.”

Every minute he spends with Yoochun is something he cherishes. The boy is just so precious to him that he would do anything and everything for him.

“Hyung, have you ever been in love?” Yoochun asks him out of the blue. He almost chokes on his own saliva. They were having a pretty decent conversation about school and Santa Claus when the younger one brought up the topic. When he asks him why the sudden question, the other just shrugs. “I’ve never really seen you date someone before.”

“Well…I don’t…I’m just not into that stuff.” He finds himself saying. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“No. Hyung, I really think you should. Junho hyung and I have the best boyfriends we can ever have and seeing you…alone…it makes me sad. I want all of us to be happy.”

Best boyfriend? Ouch.

“But I am happy, Yoochun.”

I’m happy seeing you happy.

Yoochun shakes his head. “You’re not getting the point, hyung.”

No. You don’t understand.

“It’s not as easy as you think. I can’t, okay? I just can’t!”

“Whatever your reason is, I don’t get it.”

Of course you won’t.

Junsu decides that it’s best to drop the subject off. If it continues, it will probably turn into an argument which might get even bigger and things will get pretty messed up.

He has never told anyone about it but he has been in a relationship before. He tried, hoping to get rid of his feelings for his younger brother. But he didn’t. His feelings for the other is just too strong. Once is enough though. He stopped getting into relationships after his first one figuring that no matter how hard he tries to make it work, it just won’t.

Before he knows it, a month has passed. And he hasn’t been really productive. He stays at home doing nothing but read books, watch television or anything he finds interesting. Before both his brothers got themselves a boyfriend, they would be spending time with each other. They would go on vacations and road trips and they would be having the time of their lives. Everything was so perfect back then.

He is bored. He dumbly stares at his best friend watching TV. It was really boring. “I’m hungry.” He says in a monotonous tone. “I’ll go get chips.” He stands up and leaves Changmin alone laughing to some comedy show which isn’t really that funny, to Junsu at least. He hums as he walks down the hallway and abruptly stops upon hearing some thumping sounds from Yoochun’s room. His heart begins to beat rapidly. With his balled fists, he slowly walks to the door and presses his ear against it.

He closes his eyes and gulps, knuckles turning white. Tears stream down his face as he turns on his heel and walks back the living room, past Changmin and out the door. His small steps turned into big ones until he finds himself running. To where? Wherever his legs take him.

“Shit! I'm so fucked up!” he keeps on cursing as he drags himself to wherever. He doesn’t care where he is at the moment. What he wants is to run away, to get away from everything.

“One more bottle of soju please!” he shouts at the old lady managing the stall.

The lady looks at him in pity. “I think you’ve had enough, honey. It’s your fifth bottle. It’s not really healthy for a teenager like you to be drinking.”

Junsu laughs. “I’m fine. Please let me drink, please. I really need it.” the old lady sighs and gives him what he wants.

8 o’clock in the evening, he goes home to see the others worriedly waiting for him. “Where have you been?” Junho pulls him in the house and examines him from head-to-toe. “Are you drunk? Yah, what happened?” he laughs and hugs him tight.

“Junho ah, no matter how much you annoy me, I still love you. Remember that, okay?”

“What?” the startled twin pulls away from the bone-crushing hug and stares in confusion. “Hey, you’re scaring me. What’s up?”

“Hmm? Nothing.” The drunk teenager tries to hit Junho’s arm but fails and stumbles. Junho catches him on time. “Jaejoong ah!”

“Yes hyung?”

“Jaejoong ah, you pretty man!” a chuckle escapes his lips.”I can see two of you!” Junho holds him still, a bit annoyed. “You love my twin brother, huh? If you hurt him, I’ll make sure to strangle you to death.” He jokes and Jaejoong chuckles a bit awkwardly.

Junsu’s gaze lands to his best friend. “Yah Shim Changmin! I love you okay? No matter how annoying you are at times, I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“Junsu, you sound like you’re dying.”

“No!” he struggles to get out of his twin brother’s hold and runs to his best friend to give him a hug. “I just feel like doing this.” when he pulls away, he stares at Yunho who looks totally frightened. “Are you scared, Yunho?" When the other says he isn’t, he smiles. “Good. ‘Cause there’s nothing to be scared of.” He sees Yoochun holding on to Yunho’s hand tight. He sighs as he puts on a tight smile. “Yoochun ah, can you walk with me outside?”

Yoochun hesitates but Yunho tells him to go, that everything will be fine.


Everything is comfortable, until Junsu takes a hold of Yoochun’s hand. The younger one looks startled but doesn’t pull away. And Junsu is grateful for that. “Yoochun ah, remember when you asked me if I have fallen in love?” he speaks after a while, slightly sobered up. “I have. I’ve always been in love. Only with the wrong person.”

“Hyung?” Junsu stops walking which makes Yoochun stop dead on his tracks too. Just then, Junsu’s grip on him tightens as he harshly drags him somewhere he doesn’t know. “Hyung, where are you taking me?” he asks in fright as he slightly winces in pain from the tight grip.

He literally throws Yoochun on the ground upon reaching the park. “I’ve had enough of this bullshit.”

“H-hyung...what are you talking about?” Clearly, Junsu scares the hell out of him. He has never seen him this furious and scary at the same time. “Hyung, please…if ever I did something to get you angry, I’m sorry.” the teenager pleads, rubbing his palms together. He doesn’t make a move to stand up and Junsu takes advantage of it as he pins him on the ground. He struggles but Junsu’s strength is amazing.

“I’m pissed as hell and I don't want to pretend to be nice. For the longest time, I’ve been hopelessly, madly in love with you.” Junsu grits his teeth as tears uncontrollably stream down his face. “I’ve been trying to convince myself to just be happy with you and Yunho but I can’t. Not when I want you for myself. It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” a bitter chuckle escapes his lips. “But I don’t fucking care. I heard you having sex with Yunho this afternoon.” When Yoochun widens his eyes, Junsu confirms his suspicion. He continues to pin him down. “I won’t make this harder for us anymore.” With his watery eyes, he says. “If I can’t have you, no one will.”

“Hyung, please.” Yoochun is practically sobbing under him. This was worse than a nightmare. “I’m sorry if I didn’t know how you feel. I’m sorry. But please. I know we can still talk about this.”

Junsu doesn’t say anything. He pulls something from his back pocket and Yoochun knew it was over. With his tears, he says one last time. “I love you…Yunho hyung.” And Junsu stabs him on the chest multiple times until he is no longer breathing.

Seeing his work, Junsu drops the bloody knife on the ground as he sobs. “I’m sorry Yoochun ah, I’m sorry. I love you too much I can’t bear seeing you with someone else. Don’t worry, hyung’s coming for you.” he leans closer Yoochun’s lips, giving it a soft kiss.

Their first and last kiss.

“I love you Yoochun ah.” With not much hesitation, he picks up the knife and aims it straight to his chest.

Junsu isn’t crazy. He’s just…in love. Isn’t obsession a darker version of love?


a/n might write an aftermath. not sure, but probably :)

Tags: fandom: dbsk/tvxq, genre: angst, genre: romance, length: one shot, pairing: yoochun/junsu, rating: r, warning: incest
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